The Celebrity Autopsy

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You know, when you think about it...

Companies Say The Darndest Things

Like...

Darndest Thing Companies Say #1

It's Succulent

The word succulent is frequently used in restaurant commercials

I can't recall ever using that word

Which is a great segway into our next feature...

Conversations that have never taken place in the history of the universe

Anyway, "succulent" sounds like a parasitic swamp creature

Darndest Thing Companies Say #2

You Need a Plan

Whenever a company mentions the word plan, you know you're in for some serious ass fucking

Companies use plans to convolute and complicate details that should be simple and straightforward.

For example...

Warranty Plans

Remember the good ol' days when companies would help you if a product they sold you stopped working?

I don't either.

If you want a company to help you, you have to purchase a warranty plan.

Here is a copy of Dell's warranty plan

Who reads this bulllshit?

Here is what the Dell warranty should say.

In other words, if the piece of shit I bought from you turns out to be a piece of shit, then give me another piece of shit that's not a fucking piece of shit

Cell Phone Plan

Cell phone companies are always trying to sell you a plan

And every time I leave the cell phone store, my ass hurts

Here is a copy of Verizon's easy-to-comprehend plan

Are you fucking kidding?

How about this for a plan...

I'll pay you the same amount of money every month,

and in return I can do whatever I want on my phone for as long as I want

Here's an even better plan..

Go fuck your mother

Insurance Plan

Any time an insurance company mentions a plan, you better run away as fast as possible

Because insurance companies don't just fuck you in the ass.

Insurance companies drill new holes in your body so they can fuck you in ways that were previously impossible.

Insurance companies are so evil, they are guilty of saying the next darndest thing

Darndest Thing Companies Say #3

We can save you money

All companies claim to be cheaper than their competitors

For example

/

21st Century insurance say that they are on average $485 cheaper than the other insurance companies.

However, Geico claims that they are 15% cheaper than everyone else.

And Progressive can save you $475.

And this one can save you 20%

But don't worry! State Farm is 40% cheaper.

Which brings us back to 21st Century, which claims to be $457 cheaper than State Farm.

In other words, every insurance company is cheaper than every other one.

Think about that statement.  One company being cheaper would imply that another company is more expensive.

So how can every insurance company be cheaper?

There are two possible answers

a)  Normal concepts of logic and reason do not apply to insurance companies

or

b)  Insurance companies are filthy liars who rape kittens

Actually, either answer would work

Darndest Thing Companies Say #4

No Pain Reliever is Better

Pain reliever ads frequently make this claim

Sounds impressive

If nothing relieves pain faster than Advil,

that means that everything relieves pain as fast as Advil,

which means that there is no difference between any of the pain relievers.

So the ad should say...

Darndest Thing Companies Say #5

Fun colors

Companies love to claim that their products come in a variety of "fun" colors

Whether its...

fingernail polish...

cell phones...

or insulin pump cases...

colors are NOT fun.

Snorting crank up a whore's ass crack is fun

Colors are not fun.

Darndest Thing Companies Say #6

It's Free

As far as I'm concerned, the word free means I get something without having to do anything in return

However, companies don't see it that way

Load of Shit #1

Buy One Get One Free

You don't get one free.  You get two for half price.

If I have to spend money on it...

It's Not Free

Load of Shit #2

It's Free Except Shipping and Handling

So it's free but I have to pay you to give it to me

Fuck you

Load of Shit #3

The Information is Free

Companies will actually brag about giving you information about their products for free

I'm so sick of this mother fucker

Fucking piece of shit

Darndest Thing Companies Say #7

It's Spine-tingling

Companies are always promoting their movies with meaningless dog shit like this...

Larry King said the the movie Valkyrie was "spine-tingling."

Isn't it time for Larry to die?

My spine never tingles while I'm watching a movie

Come to think of it, the only time my spine has tingled was during a porno.

Wait, that wasn't my spine.

The movie Black Swan was said to be "breathtaking."

I can't remember the last time a movie caused me to spontaneously expel all of the oxygen from my lungs causing me to helplessly gasp for air as I wallow in a puddle of my own blood and piss.

This movie is "heart-stopping"

Breath-taking.  Heart-stopping.  In other words, these movies will kill you.

That's right.  You can actually be bored to death

I wish the movie critics were honest about the health risks of movies

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