a) Oink oink.

b)  It's hard to believe that there are actually Twinkies that I have not eaten.

c) I always put Odor Eaters in my panties.

d) I shouldn't have quit football in high school.

a) I bet God gets laid a lot.

b) I'm going to try real hard to not get caught with meth and a male prostitute.

c) If that cleaning lady misplaces my Bible again, I'll kill that fucking whore.

d) God can solve any problem, unless that problem is terminal cancer.

a) I need some more dirt to rub on my face.

b) I am proof that crack babies can succeed.

c) I use a feminine hygiene spray called Tuna Helper

d) Did I remember to take my heartworm medicine?

a) See spot run.

b) The last thing I remember is lying to my constituents.

c) I used to have to boil my catheters.  But now I get them free in the mail.

d) Pzztpzztpzztpzzt

a) Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, I'm not sure who I need to report to.

b) John Stewart's whiskers  sure did chaff my ass crack.

c) Are you really a 13 year old boy, or is this Chris Hanson with Dateline NBC?

d) I just downloaded a new app called Pictures of Dicks.

a) I have no fucking clue what I am doing.

b) That Glenn Beck is one dead cracker.

c) I'm tired of telling Michelle that I have president stuff to do.

d) I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting a grape soda.

a)  I have a 3:00 meeting James Gandolfini for my fat slob lesson.

b)  For some reason, I always smell like piss.

c)  I'm still not sure if this beard successfully hides my extra chin.

d) Perhaps "soup can" is a poor choice of nickname for my penis.

a) My diabolical plan to bore America to death with my music is almost complete.

b) This hat covers my WWE tattoo on my bald spot .

c) Where can I sell these hubcaps?

d) Try my new cologne called Spaggot.

a) And for my next trick, I'll make my career disappear.

b) I wonder if anyone knows that I'm not really magic .

c) I really hope Orville Redenbacher is hip with the youngsters these days.

d) TA-DA!  I just made a skid mark appear.

a) Where can I get a baby to eat at this hour?

b)  There's just no polite way to scratch your balls while wearing a skirt.

c) Is that gas, or is that Satan digging through my colon?

d) God damn it!  I left my sacrificial alter at home.

a) Where did that shit ring around the base of my penis come from?

b)  Of course I took a shower this morning.  Why would they ask if I was washed up?

c) What does it mean if I have feathers in my stool?

d) I use my AARP card to cut lines of Metamucil.

a) J-Lo said I look like a dried apricot.

b)  I need to pick up some saddle soap to scrub my face with.

c) I need more fiber.

d) I hope no one realizes that this is a wig.

a) They call  me Choppers!

b)  Does anyone have a dam they need built?

c) Nicki Minaj here for Denture Cream.

d) I hope no one realizes that this is a wig.

a) 

b) 

c) 

d) All of the above

a) I'm about to shit in my pants.

b) It sure is a lot of work being the biggest dick-head ever.

c) One day I will have fired everybody in the world.

d) I hope no one realizes that this is a wig.