The Celebrity Autopsy

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The Shit List

All celebrities are pieces of shit

However, on the scale of shitiness, some celebrities top the list

Let's examine the celebrities who have managed to climb their way to turd infamy

Shit List Finalist

Bill Maher

Bill Maher is not a piece of shit

He's pretty much the entire turd

Mr. Maher has earned his place on the shit list by openly supporting a politician

Mr. Maher hosts the show...

which as been renamed...

Comedians are NOT supposed to like politicians

Can you imagine Lenny Bruce supporting a political candidate?

  HELL NO!

How about Richard Pryor getting involved in the political process?

SHIT NO!

How about George Carlin throwing a fund raiser for a presidential candidate?

FUCK NO!

Not too long ago, comedians had a healthy distrust of anyone in power

But those days are gone

Today, you can turn on the TV to watch Bill Maher bubble in his panties over Barack Obama

Next thing you know, they will be making movies together

Why do Americans listen to celebrities anyway?

Most celebrities are dumber than zebra shit

Don't believe me?

Read on...

And it's these lobotomized dick-squirts that  believe they are smarter than everyone else

In closing, Bill Maher is definitely at the top of the shit list

But let's see where exactly he falls on the scale of shit

Bill Maher scores a level 13 - Liquefied Shit on the Hollywood loaf scale

Shit List Finalist

Rosie O'Donnell

This queen of fecal matter proposes that the U.S. government destroyed the World Trade Center towers on 9-11-2001. 

I guess the two air liners that crashed into the towers had nothing to do with it

Conspiracy buffs make me want to shove a green pine cone up my ass

Let's examine a few of the more popular conspiracies

1) The Kennedy Assassination

Some people believe that the U S government hired several gunman to assassinate Kennedy

There's only one problem with this idea

Oswald was the ONLY gunman.

There was no one on the grassy knoll.

The US government had nothing to do with it.

If you disagree, I'll buy you a bib to catch your drool

2) Roswell

Some people believe that a UFO crashed near Roswell, New Mexico and the U S government is hiding an alien body

There is only one problem with this idea

An alien spacecraft did NOT crash in near Roswell

The government is NOT holding alien body

There are NO government files proving the existence of UFO's

If you disagree, good luck in the Special Olympics next year

3) O J Simpson

Some people believe that the LAPD planted evidence on OJ's property to frame him with the murder of his ex-wife

There is only one problem with this idea

O J murdered two people

The police did NOT plant any evidence

The LAPD did NOT conspire against O J

If you disagree, you probably have flipper arms and webbed feet

Although those conspiracies are complete bullshit, there are few that have some validity

True conspiracy #1

Michael Jackson Actually Died In 1991

There are many who believe that Michael Jackson actually died in 1991 

and an imposter took his place

Of course, several theories exist as to the true identity of this imposter

Imposter  theory #1

An Alien

There are those that believe that the Michael Jackson imposter is actually an alien

This would explain his affinity for anal probes

Imposter  theory #2

A Halloween Decoration

As difficult as it is to fathom, there are some people that believe that Michael Jackson has been replaced with a Halloween decoration.

This would definitely scare the shit out of some children on Halloween

Imposter  theory #3

A Cave-Dwelling Hermaphrodite Pedophile

This theory is probably closest to the truth

True conspiracy #2

Chuck Norris Does Not Work Out With The Total Gym

Perhaps you have seen Chuck Norris singing the accolades of The Total Gym

Supporters of this conspiracy believe that Mr. Norris uses a far more advanced and enjoyable work-out machine for his own personal training

While Mr. Norris wants the rest of us to work out on this rickety hunk of shit...

He is working out on this piece of equipment.

A typical work-out for Mr. Norris starts with 20 sets of go-downs, followed by 20 sets of push-ins.

True conspiracy #3

Rosie O'Donnell Has A Penis

Actually, this is not a conspiracy at all.

It's a fact.

Thus, Rosie O'Donnell has certainly earned her place on the shit list

But where exactly does she fall on the scale of shit?

Rosie O'Donnell scores a level 10 - Corny Shit on the Hollywood cable scale

Shit List Finalist

Gene Simmons

Gene Simmons quote of the day

"Every other band should be wiping my ass."

I guess because of his advanced age, he needs help in this regard.

Perhaps some adult diapers are in order.

Mr. Simmons makes the shit list for the being the latest of a long list of washed up, pathetic rock stars who parade their fat, ugly children and their dried up, infertile wives on a television reality show

If you are lucky, you are unaware that Mr. Simmons stars in...

which has been appropriately renamed...

Excuse the rant but.....

Who the fuck watches this horse shit?

Who gives a rat's cunt about Gene Simmons' nasty gutter-whore wife and her two teenage vaginal discharges?

Who the fuck would waste precious minutes of their life watching some shriveled up fossil act as if he is still relevant?

Sorry, I had to let that out.

Gene Simmons is not even a rock star.

The term "rock star" would infer that you are a member of a rock band.

KISS is NOT a rock band.

KISS is the WWE of rock music.

They pretend to play music, but it's all fake.

Rock stars don't make Dr. Pepper commercials

Gene Simmons is a flaccid penis with eyeballs!

Thus, Gene Simmons has certainly earned his place on the shit list

But where exactly does he fall on the scale of shit?

Gene Simmons scores a level 8 - Skittle Shit on the Hollywood brown-weight scale

Shit List Finalist

Oprah Winfrey

Oprah did not make the shit list for being one of the wealthiest women in America while at the same time being fat and ugly and having no discernable talent whatsoever.

I don't hold it against Oprah for being fat

I don't hold it against Oprah for being ugly

I don't hold it against Oprah for having no discernable talent

I don't hold it against Oprah for being one of the wealthiest women in America

Although all four of these traits together are deplorable

No, Oprah makes the shit list for being a domestic terrorist.

Let me explain...

Recently, Oprah announced that she would buy everyone in America dinner.

All you have to do is go to her website for a coupon for a free box of chicken at KFC

If everyone in America eats  KFC chicken at the same time, this would result in a simultaneous Kentucky Fried Crap across the nation.

The simultaneous dump would cause a simultaneous flush of every toilet in America

The sewer systems in America would be overwhelmed; and the subsequent flood would spread stench and disease everywhere.

Thus, the "Free Dinner for America" promotion was actually a form of biological warfare

And that makes Oprah Winfrey a terrorist

Fortunately, KFC ran out of chicken before Oprah's diabolical plan was completed

Nonetheless, you know what we do to terrorists

Which begs the question...

If waterboarding is not torture, then what is Chinese water torture?

Chinese enhanced interrogation technique, perhaps???

Thus, Oprah Winfrey has certainly earned her place on the shit list

But where exactly does she fall on the scale of shit?

Oprah Winfrey scores a level 5 - Turd That Somewhat Resembles Oprah on the Hollywood poopy scale

I would continue, but I've got to take a shit

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