The Celebrity Autopsy

 

Don't Say Gay                                   HOME                           What Am I Thinking?

 

 

 

No decent person wants to be thought of as a racist.

 

 

 

However, you may be a racist and not even know it!

 

 

 

In our never ending quest to improve the human condition, The Celebrity Autopsy presents a simple guide to show you...

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Not To Be A Racist

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For illustration purposes, we will use two characters.

 

 

 

and
John Lillywhite   Larry Darkmeat

 

 

 

 

 

 

After reviewing a series of situations, all you have to do is decide which person is the racist

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situation #1

 

Which one is the racist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, John is indeed the racist.

 

 

 

Although once deemed acceptable, the term black is now considered racist.

 

 

 

If you think about it, the terms black and white help perpetuate the social divide that exists in our society

 

 

 

 

 

White people are not really white...   Black people are not really black...
 
they are tan   they are brown

 

 

Tan and Brown

 

 

Two shades of the same color.  In essence, there is no real difference

 

 

But we are referred to as black and white

 

 

 

Black is the absence of every color in the visible spectrum   White is the presence of every color in the visible spectrum
 
     

 

 

All or nothing.

 

Complete opposites.

 

 

So never use the terms black or white

 

 

 

Currently, the proper term is African American.

 

 

 

This is subject to change, so it's your responsibility to keep abreast of the current protocol.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situation #2

 

Which one is the racist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once again, John is the racist.

 

 

 

John is guilty of using the words pick and cotton in the same sentence.

 

 

 

Each word by itself is considered innocuous.  However, by using both words in the same sentence, this instantly deems the person who uttered it a racist.

 

 

 

 

The following chart will help you avoid other discriminatory word-pairs

 

 

 

 

  Avoid using any two of these words in the same sentence  

South Master Slave Plantation
Confederate Purchase Fetch Eli Whitney
Whip Mammy Owned Mandingo
Civil War Buck Caddy Roots

 

as in....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situation #3

 

Which one is the racist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You guessed it.  John is the racist.

 

 

Avoid saying the word native, as well as words associated with the word native.

 

 

 

 

For example...

Avoid saying the word jungle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Avoid saying the word spear

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Avoid mentioning your loin cloth, voodoo doll, shrunken head, witch doctor, or tree vine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situation #4

 

Which one is the racist?

 

 

 

 

 

Big surprise!  John is the racist again.

 

 

 

Avoid gender specific terms such as boy and girl

 

 

Instead, use gender neutral greetings such as...

 

 

Hello comrades

 

Hello he/she

 

Hey guy

 

Yo, home-person

 

Don't we have the same social worker?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situation #5

 

Which one is the racist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damn John!  You about one bigoted mother fucker!

 

 

 

Avoid using exclusionary terms such as...

 

 you people

your people

those people

them people

you vagabonds

you on that porch

you Obama supporters

you people in the back of the bus

the defendant

don't get shoe polish on the laces

 

 

 

 

 

 

You should probably avoid these inclusionary terms as well

 

 

Can I be your lame white friend?

 

I really like that hipper-hop music.

 

I get up in that daughter

 

Yo yo dog yo yo

 

Do you speak Klingon?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situation #6

 

Which one is the racist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guess who?

 

 

 

 

Never criticize the way someone speaks. 

 

 

 

Come to think of it, never criticize about anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situation #7

 

Which one is the racist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John is the seven-time champion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never complement the way someone speaks.

 

 

 

 

 

Come to think of it, never complement about anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situation #8

 

Which one is the racist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John is the racist.  Duh!

 

 

 

 

Simply mentioning fried chicken makes you a filthy, rotten racist

 

 

 

 

Here are the foods that you should never mention

 

 

 

 

Fried Chicken

 

 

 

 

Watermelon

 

 

 

 

 

Chitlins

 

 

 

 

 

Pork Chops

 

 

 

 

Grape Soda

 

 

 

 

Collard Greens

 

 

 

 

 

Ribs

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fried Pork Chops with Collard Greens and Chitlins

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, pork chop, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fried Grape Soda

 

 

 

 

 

 

BBQ Ribs Sandwiched Between Two Pork Chops

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fried Chicken with Grape Soda Gravy and Watermelon Seeds

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, to sum up...

 

 

 

If everyone would follow these eight simple suggestions, we could finally put the scourge of racism behind us.

 

 

 

 

Black people and white people, or brown people and tan people, could stand hand in hand, arm to arm, shoulder to shoulder, and boldly face down racism and propel the United States into the twenty-first century....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and then we can all collectively gang-up on the Arabs.

 

 

HOME

thecelebrityautopsy@gmail.com

Please leave your complaints here

Name:     

Message:     

Name: c.
E-mail:
Date posted: October 23, 2011 - 08:42 pm
Message: that was funny as fuck, signed, proud cracker motherfucker!....can i say that ?

Name: alexandria
E-mail:
Date posted: October 23, 2011 - 04:01 pm
Message: well.. the new terminology is nigger. a word use amongst the nigger community as a greating.

Name: cholo
E-mail:
Date posted: October 14, 2011 - 11:10 am
Message: I'm cream colored

Name: Laneta
E-mail:
Date posted: September 19, 2011 - 03:35 pm
Message: I'm not easily impressed. . . But i fuck niggers! :)

Name: hehe
E-mail:
Date posted: June 27, 2011 - 05:12 pm
Message: funny ass cracka!

Name: Tha Brotha
E-mail:
Date posted: May 31, 2011 - 11:17 pm
Message: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

Comments powered by the Website Comments System ® v1.0