The Celebrity Autopsy

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If I Were God                               HOME                           Amy Winehouse

A nationwide poll shows that the most important part of the human body is the naughty bits.

Why would people assign such importance to their private parts?

The main reason is

Pleasure

Obviously, we are talking about sex, either with yourself or other people.

But we're not just talking about genitals

Nothing is more pleasurable than a good, long crap

Especially when you have a magazine or a shampoo bottle to read

Our naughty bits are so important to us, we do things like...

Protect them

Enhance them

Support them

Spruce them up

Plug them up

Minimize the itching and swelling

In fact, our naughty bits are so important to us that we actually give them names

Oddly enough, our naughty bits are a paradox

The names we assign to the most pleasurable and cherished parts of our body are also used as the most derogatory and derisive terms in the English language

Let's look at some examples

Nothing gives a man more pleasure than his dick

However, anytime a man is referred to as a dick, it is never meant as a complement

Everyone knows at least one dick

And any group of three or more men always includes at least one dick

Here are some typical dicks

British guys that live in America

The first British invasion looked like this...

The current British invasion looks like this...

Yes, America is being invaded by angry British dicks

These dicks to be exact

Americans believe that a British accent indicates an elevated sense of culture or intelligence

But it doesn't

A British accent indicates an elevated sense of dick

Guys that look like they are holding in their shit

Dicks always look like they are struggling to hold in their shit

Cops with moustaches

ALL politicians

With very few exceptions, all politicians are complete and total dicks

If you have any doubt about this, just look at the names of some of our Congressmen

(yes, these are actual names)

Political Dick #1

Member of the U.S. House of Representatives 1998-2001

Dick Sweat is not only a U.S. representative, it is also one of the many seldom-used but effective dick derivatives

Such as...

Dick head

Dick hole

Dick shaft

Dick wrinkle

Dick freckle

Dick pimple

Dick hair

Dick collar

Dick vein

Dick smell

Dick print

Dick weed

Dick lick

Dick face

Dick sucker

Dick eater

Dick licker

Dick Cheney

Political Dick #2

Member of the U.S. House of Representatives 1999-2011

Nothing says dick more than weiner

Representative Weiner was forced to resign after he sent a nude picture of himself to a woman on Twitter

The Celebrity Autopsy has acquired the actual photo that cost Representative Weiner his job

Political Dick #3

Member of the U.S. Senate, 2007-present

This is Harry Reid

/

This is a reed

This is a hairy reed

You see where I'm going with this?

Political Dick #4

Member of the U. S. House of Representatives, 1995-2003

Dick Armey's name is representative of Congress as a whole

An army of dicks

Kanye West

Nothing gives a man more pleasure than a pussy

Like dick, the word pussy is a derogatory term directed primarily at men

However, the gender of the genitals has changed

So what makes a man a pussy?

A pussy is guy that won't do something manly

A pussy is also a guy that can't do something manly

A pussy is also a guy that looks or behaves like a pussy

like...

It's pretty much undeniable that he is a pussy

Justin looks like a cashier at Old Navy

There's no doubt he's a glistening pussy

Look at this guy.

Nick is an purple pussy that's dragging the ground

This guy is such a pussy, he has a hat made pf pubic hair

I want to do some hard narcotics with that guy

Nothing gives a man more pleasure than a cunt

The words cunt and  pussy refer to the same part of the female anatomy  

However, where pussy is directed primarily at men, the word cunt is generally directed towards women

And what qualities must a woman have to be considered a cunt?

Oddly enough, a man with these exact same qualities is not considered a cunt.

He is considered not to be a pussy.

There are several types of cunts.

Type of Cunt #1

End of List

Nothing gives a man more pleasure than his asshole

The terms dick and asshole may seem interchangeable

In other words...

and

would seem to mean the same thing.

However, assholes have one substantial difference when compared to dicks

Assholes stink

Thus, whenever you encounter a dick who stinks, you can bet there is an asshole involved

And without a doubt the largest group of assholes are...

Muslims fall into one of two categories

Muslim Category #1

Muslims that kill other human beings to make a political or religious point

(Islamic terrorist)

Muslim Category #2

Muslims that do NOT kill other human beings but never express outrage over the Muslims that do kill other human beings

(The rest of them)

Here's a picture of a Muslim protest over the bombing of a bus full of children

Here's a picture of a Muslim protest because someone drew a moustache on a picture of Mohammad

What a bunch of assholes

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