The Celebrity Autopsy

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Let's examine

The Fundamental Goal of Advertising

Simply stated,

the fundamental goal of all advertising is...

To sell the same product to same customer repeatedly while at same time making the customer believe that he is buying something new

This goal is best illustrated with an example

There was a time when carbonated drinks were only served at soda fountains which were usually located in the lobbies of drug stores

The men who manned the fountains were called soda jerks, and one of the many concoctions they could prepare for you was soda water and syrup

which is better known as a cola

and since some people want to enjoy their cola at home...

some company started selling soda water and syrup in bottles.

So how can something as simple as soda water and sugar be repackaged as something new?

You could try

A New Brand Name

Sure.  It's still only soda water and syrup.

But a different company makes it.

You could also

Change the color

It's still just soda water and syrup.  But it's a different color.

Next, you could

Change the Flavor

As expected. 

Or you could

Change the Color of the New Flavor

or perhaps

Use a fruit flavor

or just

Add a Fruit Flavor to an Existing Flavor

and then you could

Change the Container

Get a can instead of a bottle

Obviously, companies are quite adept at spawning new products from the same old stale pile of shit

However, all of the changes so far have been sensory in nature

Shape, taste, & color

To sell the maximum amount of goods, advertisers must connect with the consumer on an emotional level

Such as...

Emotional Need #1

The Need to be Thin

Cola companies satisfy this need by selling soda water and syrup mixed with some chemicals that almost tastes like sugar

Only Americans see obesity as a problem

In most countries, being overweight is viewed as being adequately nourished

Obesity is not a problem for this guy

Obesity is a life goal

But it's not just cola companies that exploit this need

Sugar Free

How do you sell cookies, candy and pudding to weight conscience people?

There are two possibilities

1. Sell a sugar free version

or

2. Find clever way to lie about it

And companies lie about it by saying shit like...

Low Sugar

Yes, there is sugar in it but it's less sugar than some unspecified benchmark. 

Let's be clear.  Low-sugar means...

Sugar

Another load of shit is...

No Sugar Added

We didn't add that sugar.  We don't know how it got there.  We came to work one morning and the sugar was already there.  I swear on a stack of Bibles.

Another option is to use a diversionary tactic.  You could completely ignore the sugar by stating that it is...

Fat-free

Fat free is the perfect way to sell food that's full of sugar to weight conscience people

But what if the food is full of sugar and fat?

Then you could call it....

Low-fat

And as we all know, low-fat means...

Fat

Or instead of low-fat, they will divide fat into different categories and only advertise the types of fat the product is lacking

Such as...

No Saturated Fat

No Trans Fat

No Cholesterol

  Or they will use these completely meaningless claims

Low Carb

Low Calorie

Gluten Free

And the biggest load of shit of them all....

Light

There's hardly a product available today that doesn't have a light version

My arteries are full of play dough!

Don't worry! It's light!

I'm coughing up blood clots!

Forget about it!  Their Lights!

I got drunk, beat the shit out of my wife, led the police on an interstate car chase, flipped my car five times, got arrested, and blew a guy in the holding cell

Don't worry about it!  It's Light!

Emotional Need #2

The Need to be Healthy

Another way to repackage the same old turd pile is to claim that the turd pile has some health benefit

Soda companies will add vitamins, minerals, electrolytes, and ginseng to soda water and syrup to create the illusion of healthiness

One of these horse shit claims is...

Antioxidants

The theory contends that oxygen will deteriorate the cells in your body, and antioxidants will minimize this degradation by limiting the amount of oxygen going to the cells

Improving your health by cutting off your oxygen

Something sure does smell like shit to me

Probiotics

The term probiotics is the biggest cauldron of hot, liquid shit ever!

Usually when you feel sick, you take antibiotics

But the anti- in the word antibiotics has a negative connotation...

as in anti-christ, anti-climax, and anti-aircraft gun.

So some ass-stain invented the meaningless term probiotics

Because the prefix pro- has a much more positive feeling associated with it...

as in professional wrestler, profanity, and probation

Probiotics do not exist.  It's a fucking lie. 

Fuck you.

Being Regular

Some food brags about having fiber, whole-grains, or bacteria

And there defining characteristic is that their food will make you shit

I personally can not think of any food that will NOT make you shit

But somehow, this is a selling point

Emotional Need #3

The Need to Get Something for Nothing

Everyone wants something for nothing

That's why infomercials always offer you extra shit for free

Companies use this need to sell products by using the oldest claim in marketing

By stating that a product is new and improved, that implies that you will be getting something above and beyond what you got last time you bought the product

This is a box of soap that is both new and improved

There's nothing really new about soap

It's only been around for four millennia

And what exactly can we do to soap to improve it

We haven't mastered soap yet?

How can you improve peanuts?

Perhaps we could coat the peanuts with an enzyme that turns to a neon color when exposed to digestive acid

We could poop confetti turds

How do you improve vanilla ice cream?

After years of continuous improvements, it seems that eventually you would reach a point when the product could not be improved anymore.

The product would be as good as it will ever get.

Could that mean that companies are fucking liars?

Emotional Need #4

The Need to Be Green

Let's start by saying that global warming is real

Anyone that doesn't think that we are destroying the planet is on crack

But the notion that the planet can be saved by recycling newspapers is retarded

Just look at the typical person who is considered ecologically aware

Unless you eat dinner by candlelight and you ride a bicycle to work, shove your Ipad up your stinking ass

And as expected, companies are realizing the huge profits that can be earned by exploiting these well-intentioned but brainless individuals

Hypothetical Situation #1

You are a businessman.

You have a warehouse full of some common, everyday item.

For the sake of this example, we will say writing pens.

How can you quickly sell all of these writing pens?

Call the pens

GREEN!

The pens are no more green than a sore dick

Companies will call any fucking product green

Apparently, when some companies claim their products are green, they mean that they are actually green in color

Of course, not all green products are bullshit

Scotch-Brite has created a eco-friendly cleaner that is advertised as...

~ Reusable up to 200 times

~ Replaces up to 30 paper towel rolls

~ Machine washer safe

~ Made with recycled materials

~ Biodegradable

And what exactly is the Scotch-Brite Greener Cleaner?

It's a fucking sponge

The perfect example of...

Selling the same product to same customer repeatedly while at same time making the customer believe that he is buying something new

To sum up..

It's imperative that you pay attention to the corporate dick that's stuck in your ass

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