The Celebrity Autopsy

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Here is a list of things that I would do...

If I Were God

I would make everyone the same color, which would force people to find new reasons to kill each other

I would fold Geraldo Rivera inside-out and roll him in salt

I would give Mrs. God huge tits

I would make all lesbians allergic to flannel.  Just for laughs.

I would put all women's vaginas on their foreheads.  So we can see them.

I would divulge the secret to free, perpetual energy to an Eskimo, and then have a polar bear eat him.

I would simultaneously reincarnate every single aborted child as a rabid kitten

I would make hearing a question induce projectile vomiting

I would simultaneously appear to every person who suffers from schizophrenia and tell them to bite as many people as possible

I would reduce the size of every African American's penis by 75%.  For equality's sake.

I would make every single person speak his or her own language that no other person could understand. This would dramatically reduce arguing.

I wouldn't let anyone into heaven.  Most people annoy the shit out of me.

I would make dreams have commercials.

I would make Ashton Kutcher immortal and then torture him in the most painful methods possible for all eternity

I would feed the gerbil that lives in Alec Baldwin's asshole growth hormones

I would become the President of the United States and make my vice president a 350 lb Mexican lesbian scientologist who can't speak English.  Then I would commit suicide just to piss everyone off.

I would rewrite the Torah, the Bible and the Koran with very short sentences made up of easy to understand words in large print.  I would also add lots of pictures and a pop-up section in the middle.  Thus, the most dimwitted religious zealot shit-for-brains could not use them to justify killing other people

I would make myself imaginary

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