The Celebrity Autopsy

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The Newest Guests in Hell

Recently, three new souls walked through the gates of hell

Let's examine all three

Newest Guest in Hell  #1

Farrah Fawcett

A recent photo of Farrah Fawcett

Ms. Fawcett's claim to fame is her starring role in the 1976 television series Charlie's Angels

However, Ms. Fawcett was only on the show for one season

Thus, Farrah Fawcett is famous for doing nothing

She is not alone.  Hollywood is full of people who have notoriety for doing nothing, such as...

The Barbi Twins

Remember these cows?   Basically they are famous for doing nothing but having utters.  As I look at this picture, I am having an overwhelming craving for dairy products. 

Perez Hilton

Few people make me want to throw-up, eat it, and throw it up again.  However, Perez Hilton is one of those people.  Perez is proof that you can be worthless and physically revolting, and still become a celebrity.  Now, please excuse me while I go vomit, eat it, and vomit again.

Tila Tequila

Ms. Tequila established the often used formula:  Breasts + Vagina = Fame.  Fishy bimbos with freckles make me want to sand blast my genitals off and shove them up my ass. 

Kim Kardashian

Ms. Kardashian established the infrequently used formula: No Breasts + Fat Ass = Fame.   I can feel myself sprouting pubic warts from just looking at her picture.

Kevin Federline

Mr. Federline, or K-Fed as he is known by hip-hop retards, is famous for actually sticking his penis in Britney Spears' vagina.  I'm not sure if he should get the Congressional Medal of Honor for unwavering bravery in the face of crabs, or if he should be euthanized for shear stupidity.  OK, let's euthanize him.  

The TV show Charlie's Angels was bad

But there's an old saying in Hollywood....

Why leave a fresh turd alone when you can sprinkle shit on it?

Thus, a movie remake of the TV series was made in 2000

Let's compare the original angels from the TV show to the angels from the movie remake

1970'2 TV Show Cast

2000 Movie Remake Cast

You decide which Angels are worse

Goodbye Farrah Fawcett

Sorry I never really paid any attention to you

Newest Guest in Hell  #2

Michael Jackson

The most recent photo of Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson didn't even have time to grab his crotch in Hell before Jamie Foxx dressed up as Jackson and said this...

Dressing up like Michael Jackson and doing a moonwalk in his honor proves what a

low-rent turd Jamie Foxx is

Let's examine Mr. Foxx's statement line by line

Line #1

Black man?

Michael Jackson is not really black.

He is not really white.

I'm not sure what color he is.

Now where have I have seen that color before...

Now I remember...

He's the same color as cream of mushroom soup

Line #2

I believe I can speak on behalf of the white community when I say...

You Can Have Him!

It's not like the white community has a shortage of dickless perverts

Gallery of white dickless perverts

So, Mr. Foxx, the next genetic disaster you care to share with everyone,

please just hire him as your baby sitter

Line #3

Of course it matters what he looked like

It's much easier to rape children if you look like a Dr Seuss character

Line #4

 What nose?

Goodbye Michael Jackson.

This is the last time I will write about you.  (hopefully)

Newest Guest in Hell  #3

Billy Mays

Last photo of Billy Mays

Marketers are the lowest form of life in the universe

And Billy Mays certainly climbed his way to the top of the shit heap

But now that he is gone, who can we trust to take Billy's place on top of the shit heap?

Let's consider the contenders

Vince the Shamwow guy

I don't think that a company could pick a more shifty and dishonest looking spokesman for their product.  He looks like he is on parole.  He doesn't even look like he is from this planet.  What the hell is wrong with his face? 

Matthew Lesko

Lesko is proof that crystal meth comes in suppository form.  What's not to trust about this guy?  A raving lunatic dressed as the Riddler.  Last time I saw that expression, my foreskin was being removed with a weedeater.

Ron Popeil

Mr. Popeil looks honest.  We could trust him.  Anyone who sells spray-on hair can't be all bad.  Anyway, he reminds me of my uncle Sid.  Uncle Sid fingered me.

Tony Little

This is Tony Little

This is Tony Little's agonizing medieval torture device.  You can lose weight with one of these contraptions, just don't rip your sack in half. 

Richard Simmons

Every time he comes on television, my asshole hides under the couch. 

Some asshole with a British accent

Americans assume that anyone with a British accent can be trusted.  However, if you study him carefully, you will notice that his head is the same width as his neck, which indicates he's just a mildly retarded, fresh, glistening, corn and peanut riddled, log of frothy shit with a British accent.

He's not the only one with this physical abnormality

Gallery of mildly retarded, fresh, glistening, corn and peanut riddled, logs of frothy shit

Where have I seen those guys before?

If there is any doubt that America is collapsing in on itself, I give you this...

This is Pitchmen

A show about making commercials

How far down the stink-hole have we sank that we have to make TV shows about commercials?

Everyone hates commercials

Actually, almost all shows on television are about things we hate

such as...

Getting a speeding ticket

Getting arrested

Getting booked

The criminal investigation

The trial

Time in prison

Being raped in prison

Going to the morgue

Immortal soul burning in Hell

And how is Billy doing in Hell?

I imagine the televisions in Hell are seeing commercials like this

Just when you thought Hell was bad...

Billy Mays manages to make it worse

I think I'll start going to church

Goodbye Billy Mays.

I would be lying if I said I miss you.

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