The Celebrity Autopsy

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Of all the people in the world that piss me off, there's one person that I loath more than all others

 

 

 

 

 

And that person is....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The FreeCreditReport.com Faggot

 

 

Every time I see this anal drip, I want to beat him with a baseball bat to the verge of death, rush him to a hospital, and spend the next 6 months personally nursing him back to perfect health, just so I can drag him out into the hospital parking lot and beat him to death again.

 

 

 

 

I see this commercial every time I watch television

 

 

 

 

 

It costs a lot of money to have that many commercials on every channel during every show all day long

 

 

 

 

 

Do you really think that a company is going to spend that kind of money so they can give you something for free?

 

 

 

 

Hell no!

 

 

 

 

If you are still not convinced that this guy is a festering maggot turd, read on...

 

 

This is directly off of the FreeCreditReport.com website

 

It clearly states that you have 7 days of free access before you are charged $14.95

 

 

 

 

 

It also clearly states that it may take between two and four days before your credit report is available, but it may take more than seven days, which means you will be charged for it.

 

 

 

 

And that means.....

 

 

 

(drum roll please)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's Not Fucking Free

 

 

 

 

 

Companies throw the word "free" around so much, it's lost its meaning

 

 

Straight from dictionary.com, here is the definition of "free"

 

 

 

 

Here is a list of how companies mold the word free into something that resembles a dildo so they can fuck you in the ass with it

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Free" Gimmick #1

It's free for so many days, then we will charge you automatically

 

 

This is the aforementioned scam perpetrated by FreeCreditReport.com

 

 

Think about this for a moment

 

 

If you tell them you don't want the credit report, it's free.  But if you don't tell them you don't want it, then they will charge you for it.

 

 

 

And if you don't tell them you don't want it, you must want it

 

 

Which means they are charging you money for something you want, and then calling it free.

 

 

My ass is hurting already

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Free" Gimmick #2

Buy one and get the second one free

 

 

Infomercials pull this scam all of the time

 

 

 

 

 

 

If receiving a free item is contingent on you spending money on something else...

 

 

 

(drum roll please)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's Not Fucking Free

 

 

 

 

At least Vince is willing to give you something different for free

 

 

 

Now I have two Swivel Sweepers that will end up in the landfill

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Free" Gimmick #3

The product is free, just pay shipping and handling

 

 

 

 

 

The wretched Billy Mays invented this scam

 

 

 

 

 

 

This reminds me why I'm glad that Billy Mays is dead

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Free" Gimmick #4

The Information is Free

 


 

Companies love to mention that they will give you information about their product...

 

FOR FREE!

 

 

 

 

 

For example...

 

 

Oh, thank you, Geico!

 

The rate quote is free!

 

You will not charge me to tell me how much you are going to charge me

 

You are truly a bunch of saints

 

 

 

 

I'd like to shove that fucking lizard up my fat ass

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We interrupt this bullshit to give you this special announcement

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be on the lookout for this gang of swindlers

 

 

 

 

 

If you see any of these wanted men, do not attempt to take the law into your own hands

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unless, of course, you plan to kill them instantly

 

 

 

 

 

 

We now return you to a bunch of bullshit already in progress

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, back to this faggot

 

Now that we have established that he is complicit in a huge scam, we will now suggest a commercial that is closer to reality

 

 

 

 

 

I am sure they will take our suggestion

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know. I know.  Just call my lawyer.

 

 

HOME

thecelebrityautopsy@gmail.com

 

 

Please leave your complaints here

Name:     

Message:     

Name: carmen berry
E-mail:
Date posted: February 07, 2011 - 11:51 am
Message: go fuck yourself i like the credit report guy u dick

Name: To all you haters..
E-mail:
Date posted: January 26, 2011 - 04:39 pm
Message: Uhh..I think this website is meant for entertainment purposes only. A little too much hateful thought is going into some of your comments.

Name: DIDI !!
E-mail:
Date posted: December 27, 2010 - 08:46 pm
Message: FUCK YOU DIP SHIT !! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT ABOUT BILLY MAYS....HAVE YOU NO fucking SHAME!!

Name: WHATTHEFUCKKKK?
E-mail:
Date posted: November 27, 2010 - 01:37 am
Message: Ummmm if you dont like the shit they talk about or find them ignorant why the hell do you read it and leave a pointless comment because honestly your fucking opinion doesnt matter to him... this shit is hilarious and im still laughing my ass offf from it... hmph

Name: Dr. Brown Loaf
E-mail:
Date posted: August 11, 2010 - 06:53 am
Message: Gigi, should not have to spend five hours of small print scam reading in order to get a stupid cell phone line or whatever.

FINE PRINT always means WE'RE GONNA TRY TO SCREW YOU AND MAKE YOU PAY ANYWAY IF UNSATISFIED WITH OUR PRODUCT.

If it was good for you, it would be marked in fluorescent colors write on the front of the add in HIGH CAPS ... DUH!

Name: Sarahish
E-mail:
Date posted: February 12, 2010 - 08:36 pm
Message: Some of the shit you go on with is soooo pointless. I think the reason you always say things like taking it up the ass, and guys sucking off other guys, is coz that's what you want. Are you trying to come out to the world dick muncher?

Name: gigi
E-mail:
Date posted: December 08, 2009 - 12:13 pm
Message: hey listen, when you have your first heart attack due to type A personality, remember it's because you are ignorant. This ignorance is leading you to hate things and people that are not really at fault. You are the man at fault because you're a retard who can't read rules/regulations. That's what you deserve for not reading the fine print. How else are these small companies making money? They rely on your stupidity and fortunately for them, this stupidity comes with ease. Your typos and your use of language proves my statement well. You write like a 4th grader and your common use of "turd" and cuss words prove you to be an inadequate person.

Name: Bawt
E-mail:
Date posted: November 29, 2009 - 06:40 am
Message: Well i signed up for my free credit report, Checked my bank statment and it was short, I checked there rules and to my suprise, They had me by the balls and it made me cry. So I called them up and said i am not happy , but they dont care because they just got me. I can live with that i guess this time, But it made me c...ome and sing this ryme. Now i am out my fifteen bucks and all i could do is say aww shucks.
FREE!!! It's a lie baby, Just sign up and you will see.

Name: Steve
E-mail:
Date posted: November 15, 2009 - 09:04 pm
Message: This is great. DEATH TO THE FREE CREDIT REPORT GUY!!!!!

Now we gotta get after Jimmy Football from Bud Light

Name: Melissa
E-mail:
Date posted: November 07, 2009 - 11:37 am
Message: harley riding fag

Name: alex
E-mail:
Date posted: November 07, 2009 - 11:35 am
Message: you are ignorant first off the guy did an interview and he doesnt even enjoy doing any of the stuff and thinks its stupid he just does it for the money, you must ride a harley because you are a fag!

Name: Brandon
E-mail:
Date posted: November 07, 2009 - 01:36 am
Message: Moderately amusing. I completely agree about the commercials; I want to choke that guy, especially in the Renaissance Fair commercial.

Sadly though, this site looks like a blatant ripoff of Maddox, only with more typos.

Name: Turd
E-mail:
Date posted: November 04, 2009 - 11:28 am
Message: Every time I see that commercial, I want to punch that motherfucker in the face. My right arm starts twitching and everything.

Name: bob
E-mail:
Date posted: November 04, 2009 - 08:34 am
Message: by far your best. so glad you don't keep all this talent to yourself. still laughing my ass off.

Name: Fred Lickmeuptheass
E-mail:
Date posted: November 04, 2009 - 08:34 am
Message: I like the free credit report guy. Go fuck yourself

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