The Celebrity Autopsy

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It's time for

 The Celebrity Autopsy

Royal Wedding Special Edition

in what will prove to be the most extravagant and spectacular royal wedding since the last royal wedding.

And we all know how well that royal wedding turned out

Prince Charles married a leather saddle-bag

And Princess Diana died after dating a Muslim. Yuck!

The only thing that is more nauseating than the royal wedding is the media's reaction to the royal wedding

So why are we so fascinated with celebrity weddings?

No one has the guts to say it, so I will.

The reason we are fascinated with celebrity weddings is everyone loves to imagine what they do when they have sex

Take the royal couple for example...

When I first heard of the wedding, the first thing I thought was...

What is royal sex like?

Is it standard missionary position with the lights off and no noise?

Or does she go down and suck those royal nuts?

Admit it!  You thought the same thing.

Of course, nothing conjures up more delightful mental imagery than

Lesbian Weddings

Glee's Jane Lynch married her girlfriend Dr. Lara Embry

Whenever you see a lesbian couple, you can't help but imagine them eating each other

I don't care what you say!

That is exactly what you think of!

Lesbians always make me laugh

They all claim that they hate men

But what are all of their sex toys shaped like?

A penis

You don't see gay guys running around with strap-on pussies?

If they were true lesbians, they would fuck each other with a handful of liver

Don't start flooding my inbox with emails about me being a homophobe

You have a constitutional right to have sex with any consenting adult that you wish.

It's that whole "Pursuit of Happiness" thing

(I know.  It's the Declaration of Independence.  You know what I mean.)

But now being gay is no longer a life style choice, or a sexual preference.

Being gay is a career move.

And if you happen to be some washed-up Hollywood shit-sack whose relevancy is circling the drain, telling the world that you are gay can kick start your career

Do we really have to openly discuss what gets us off?

I don't go around telling everyone I watch midget porn with a fistful of dryer lint and a bottle of Galliano shoved up my ass

At least not until now.

Clay Aiken's boyfriend is kind of young

And then there's the

May/December Marriages

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got married!

I'm still debating which one got fucked on that deal

What is their sex like?

Does she lube up with cod liver oil so he can get his daily recommended allowance of vitamin A and D while he eats that pussy?

Michael Douglas married grade-A tail, Catherine Zeta-Jones

I wonder what their sex is like?

Does he fuck her with his catheter?

Does she ride that dick while straddling his power chair that he paid absolutely nothing for?

You gotta' hand it to Michael Douglas though.

That bitch would give me a heart attack and I'm not old as Jesus shit

And then there's the

WTF? Weddings

"America's Got Talent" judge Piers Morgan married Celia Walden

Does she really think this dip-shit is attractive?

Does she really foam between the hips after looking at this pasty-white, double-chinned fat-ass naked?

She does if that pasty-white, double-chinned fat-ass is Benjamin Franklin

Katy Perry married greasy, suicide-bomber Russell Brand

I actually support this marriage

It's only a matter of time before this psychopath beats the shit out of her

So this is supposed to be the

The Celebrity Autopsy

Royal Wedding Special Edition

However...

Unless you have a picture of Kate Middleton's pussy...

I Don't Give A Fuck

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