The Celebrity Autopsy

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Let's look at the state of

American music

 

 

 

American music was once a rich tapestry of musical styles

 

 

such as...

 

 

 

Blues

Robert Johnson

Bessie Smith

Muddy Waters

B B King

 

 

 

Folk

Woody Guthrie

Kingston Trio

Joan Baez

John Denver

 

 

 

Gospel

Sam Cooke

Andrae Crouch

Oak Ridge Boys

Chuck Wagon Gang

 

 

 

 

Jazz

Miles Davis

Louis Armstrong

Herbie Hancock

Dizzy Gillespie

 

 

 

 

Rock

Pink Floyd

David Bowie

Led Zeppelin

Nirvana

 

 

 

 

Country

Johnny Cash

Garth Brooks

George Strait

Shania Twain

 

 

 

 

 

And of course...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Industrial Death Metal

Cannibal Corpse

Slipknot

Satan's Cunt

Mushroomhead

 

 

 

 

 

But somewhere along the line, the soulless corporate machine started to systematically dismantle American music in the quest to make a quick buck.

 

 

 

And it all started with...

 

 

 

 

Disco

 

With the disco fad of the 1970's, corporate stuffed suits realized they could make millions by selling the same song over and over again...

 

 

 

 

 

 

which is why every disco song has the word "disco" or "boogie" in the title

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Songs with "Boogie" in the Title Songs with "Disco" in the Title
   
Boogie Child - 1977 - Bee Gees Disco Duck  - 1976 - Rick Dees & His Cast of Idiots
Boogie Down - 1974 - Eddie Kendricks Disco Inferno  - 1978 - The Trammps
Boogie Fever - 1976 - The Sylvers Disco Lady - 1976 - Johnnie Taylor
Boogie Nights  - 1977 - Heatwave Disco Night - 1979 - GQ
Boogie Oogie Oogie  - 1978 - A Taste of Honey Disco Queen - 1975 - Hot Chocolate
Boogie Shoes - 1978 - KC & The Sunshine Band Disco Stomp - 1975 - Hamilton Bohannon
Boogie Wonderland - 1979 - Earth, Wind & Fire It's A Disco Night  – 1979 – Isley Brothers
Boogie On Reggae Woman - 1975 - Stevie Wonder Light My Fire/137 Disco Heaven (Medley) - 1979 - Amii Stewart
Get Up And Boogie  - 1976 - Silver Convention Caribbean Disco Show - 1981 - Lobo
Honaloochie Boogie - 1973 - Mott The Hoople Best Disco In Town, The - 1976 - Ritchie Family
I Love To Boogie - 1976 - T-Rex Disco Connection - 1976 - Isaac Hayes
I'm Your Boogie Man  - 1977 - KC & the Sunshine Band Feel The Beat (Everybody Disco) – 1977 – Ohio Players
Jungle Boogie  - 1974 - Kool & the Gang  
Rockin' Pneumonia-Boggie Woogie Flu  - 1973 - Johnny Rivers  
Steppin' Out (Gonna Boogie Tonight) - 1974 - Tony Orlando & Dawn  
Yes Sir I Can Boogie - 1977 - Baccara  
Blame It On The Boogie - 1978 - Jacksons  
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy - 1973 - Bette Midler  

 

 

It's enough to make you jealous of Helen Keller

 

 

 

 

 

 

This alone would be enough to pulverize American music beyond recognition

 

 

 

But there's more!

 

 

 

Mtv

 

This music television network began broadcasting in 1981.

 

 

 

Pasty-white corporate fart bags established the notion that a musician's image is more important than their musical ability

 

 

 

For example...

This is Christopher Cross

 

 

In 1981, the same year MTV debuted, Mr. Cross won 5 Grammy awards, which is a feat very few artist have ever accomplished

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But since Mr. Cross is bald, fat and ugly MTV refused to play his music, thus causing his career to take a fat shit

 

 

 

 

Anyway, MTV was busy promoting much more attractive artist

 

Flock of Seagulls

Elvis Costello

Devo

Adam Ant

 

 

 

 

 

MTV also featured Milli Vanilli

 

Who did not write any of their songs...

 

 

 

 

Nor did they play any musical instruments...

 

 

 

 

Nor did they actually sing any of their songs.

 

 

 

MTV featured the duo SOLELY because of the way they looked.

 

 

 

 

Fuck it.  Let's give 'em a Grammy!

 

 

 

Fortunately, one of them committed suicide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, the catastrophe continued with...

 

 

 

American Idol

 

This abomination, which debuted in 2002, established the trend of making rock stars out of everyday losers.

 

 

 

The contestants have no musical experience.

 

 

 

 

They don't write their own songs

 

 

 

 

They don't play any musical instruments

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's examine what exactly has slid out of Simon Cowell's ass

 

 

 

Contestant Results Resembles Singing Sounds Like... Next Hit Song

Kelly Clarkson

 Winner

Season 1

 Extra-strength

Vagi-clean

Spokesperson

 Two Ostriches Fucking I Love You

(But You Are a

Cucumber)

Ruben Studdard

 Winner

Season 2

 A Huge

Ball of

Shit

 Rhinoceros Flatus Heard

Through a Wendy's

Drive-thru Speaker

 They Found My Wife's

Corpse Wedged in the

Crack of My Fat Ass

Clay Aiken

 Runner-up

Season 2

 A Flaccid

Penis with

Eyeballs

 Professional Broadway

Vocalist

Muffled by a Nut Sack

 My Hole of Corn

Bo Bice

 Runner-up

Season 4

 Bearded Lady

in a

Side Show

 Oprah Queefing

on a Metal Fold-up

Chair

 Underneath My Ponytail

(Is a Pony's Asshole)

Taylor Hicks

 Winner

Season 5

 Poster Boy

For Progeria

 A Bullhorn Stuck in a

Brontosaurus' Asshole

 My Drapes Match

My Carpet

David Cook

 Winner

Season 7

 An Anus with

a Soul Patch

  

A Puppy in a Meat Slicer

 

  

The Simultaneous

Nationwide Yawn

 

David Archuleta

 Runner-up

Season 7

 A Fetus

With Teeth

 An Effeminate Metrosexual

 Being Castrated with

a Butter Knife

 Puberty, Here I Come!

Kris Allen

 Winner

Season 8

 A Juicy

Panty Skid

 A Rectal Vuvuzela My Cock Left Town in

Search of Testosterone

 

 

 

American Idol has certainly done a lot to destroy American music

 

 

 

 

But not as much as the...

 

 

Rock Band video game

 

The video game Rock Band epitomizes the extent that corporate America has bent

rock-and-roll over a chair and dicked it in the shitter

 

 

 

A long time ago, rock & roll used to have balls.

 

 

 

Rock stood for getting drunk...

 

 

 

 

doing drugs...

 

 

 

 

 

banging whores...

 

 

 

 

 

telling the cops to fuck-off...

 

 

 

 

 

worshipping Satan...

 

 

 

 

 

parking in handicap parking spaces...

 

 

 

 

 

In other words, rock & roll stood for general nonconformity.

 

 

 

 

But now we have this...

Rock and roll rebellion has now been reduced to a bunch of unemployed stoners jumping around with plastic guitars

 

 

 

 

Thanks, Metallica!  What a bunch of faggots!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, if heavy metal isn't your thing, why not try some punk rock?

 

 

 

Now a nation of iPod toting suburbanite pussies can bebop to Green Day while they shop at Target for some bitchin' punk rock attire and then finger fuck each other at Starbucks

 

 

A punk rock band winning a Grammy?  The sound they are listening to is their fans snoring.

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, this abomination is not limited to video games.

 

 

 

 

 

The Rolling Stones is in bed with Radio Shack

After we fuck some groupies, let's go build a transistor radio

 

 

 

 

 

The plastic rock band Disturbed is promoted by Rock Star energy drink

 

Ya' wanna get drunk?  Fuck that! Let's get wasted on ginseng and caffeine.

 

What a bunch of dildos!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flea infested dirt bag, Slash, is promoting his shitty new album with the help of Monster energy drinks

 

The grand prize winner of this promotion wins a private concert with Slash.

 

 

 

No thanks.

 

 

 

I'd rather be fist fucked by Godzilla.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rock and roll fossils AC/DC and Bruce Springsteen teamed up with Wal-Mart to enhance their bad ass persona

              

 

You can find their CD's on the laxative isle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Panic! at the Disco promote themselves with Stride gum

It probably helps remove the cum taste from their mouths

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, no one whores himself more than...

 

 

Gene Simmons

The cherry Dr. Pepper certainly accentuates his metal armor and clown make-up

 

 

 

However, I will give Mr. Simmons a pass

 

Mainly because KISS is not a real rock band

 

 

 

KISS is the Velveeta cheese of rock music

 

It's processed, tasteless, and makes you shit hard little balls.

 

 

 

 

Let's review

 

 

First, there was wine, women, and song

 

Then there was sex, drugs, and rock & roll

 

Now there is AIDS, rehab, and...

 

 

Rap Music

 

Like rock & roll, rap music had some balls at the beginning

 

 

NWA

Public Enemy

EPMD

Geto Boys

Rap artists such as these didn't make music for the love of consumption

 

 

 

 

They made music to express their hatred for cops, white people, employment, and fatherhood

 

 

 

 

 

So has hip-hop sold its soul to the corporate machine?

 

 

 

Let's find out

 

 

 

 

50 Cent

 

Here is an excerpt from the 50 Cent song "Psycho"

 

 

...Pick a strap to take the mag. The hawk I'll stab it in your back


I'll blow your brains, I know your name


And where you rest, I'll make a mess


The holla tips'll hit ya chest, you cough up blood to EMS...

 

 

Wow!  50 Cent is a true badass!  Let's check in with him to see how his murderous rampage is going.

 

 

 

 


I guess when he not indiscriminately killing people, he is shopping for shoes?

 

 

Wait!  Is that a pussy I smell?

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, 50 Cent is a complete fraud.  But I'm sure he is an isolated example.

 

 

 

 

Jay-Z

Jay-Z is keepin' it real.  Here is an excerpt from his song, "Run This Town"

 

 

...This is Roc Nation, pledge your allegiance


Get y'all black tees on all black everything


Black cards, black cars all black everything


And our girls are blackbirds...

 

Jay-Z apparently hates white people, which I can understand.  At least he is being true to his race.

 

 

 

 

 

Here is Jay-Z kickin' it with Bill Gates.

 

 

So Jay-Z hates white people unless they are richer than he is

 

 

Then it's "Ya' sir! Ya' sir!"

 

 

 

 

My twatdar just went off

 

 

 

 

Eminem

I'm sure Eminem wouldn't be dishonest to his fans

 

 

 

Here is an excerpt from his song "If I had..."

 


...Tired of not having a deal


Tired of having to deal with the bullshit without grabbing the steel


Tired of drowning in my sorrow


Tired of having to borrow a dollar for gas to start my Monte Carlo...

 

 

Wow!  Eminem has a tough life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is a picture of Eminem's house

 

 

 

 

I guess white rappers are full of shit after all

 

 

 

 

Ice Cube

Ice Cube was a member of NWA, so I am sure he is legit.

 

Here is an excerpt of his song "Laugh Now, Cry Later"

 

...See I'm a product of this urban decay


A nigga dyin for tomorrow, but live for today


A nigga lie steal and borrow, and cheating's okay


Don't you tell these motherfuckers that my name is O'Shea...

 

 

 

 

Here is a scene from Ice Cube's movie "Are We There Yet?"

 

 

 

 

You mean Ice Cube isn't going to give the boy a pimpin' Tec-9 so he can whore out his big sister?

 

 

 

 

Ice Cube is a river of liquid shit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snoop Dogg

Snoop Dogg is the quintessential gangsta'.  Certainly he wouldn't turn out to be a squirrel cunt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess I was wrong

 

Snoop Dogg and his posse of gummy bears can lick me where it stinks

 

 

 

 

 

American music

 

 

 

 

Fuck it

 

 

HOME

thecelebrityautopsy@gmail.com

  Please leave your complaints here.

 

Name:     

Message:     

Name: headbanger
E-mail:
Date posted: January 08, 2012 - 06:24 pm
Message: this shit sucks asshole

Name: whitney
E-mail:
Date posted: January 07, 2012 - 09:11 pm
Message: This is the best shit I have ever read. Keep going.

Name: Rap Nigga
E-mail:
Date posted: January 07, 2012 - 09:10 pm
Message: Yo dissing progress and such. Filthy cracker mother fucker. I hate white peolple. Kill them all. Hail niggers.

Name: Jazz
E-mail:
Date posted: July 26, 2011 - 12:52 pm
Message: I like you. Except for when you said that Poison were gay.

Name: T.B.
E-mail:
Date posted: April 08, 2011 - 09:43 am
Message: Thanks for putting it into perspective for us. A very well put together rant. The music that gets air play these days makes me scared for the future, and makes me nostalgic for even a crappy rock band from the eighties like whitesnake which i wasn't even into at the time and I'm not now either , but. compared to this mindless homogenized garbaged we are force fed on a daily basis post 2000 that stuff seems good. Do people really listen to this new shit? To me it is worse than muzac. Fuck Eminem

Name: Me
E-mail:
Date posted: March 17, 2011 - 12:56 pm
Message: The song you excerpted from Eminem is back in the mid 90's. when he did have the right to talk about his bad life back then, cuz it WAS bad. it's 2011, and he's made 11 albums with top hits. do your research. he's filthy rich in 2011, and wasn't in 1996. i like most of your articles but you really coulda stayed away from eminem, racist piece of shit

Name: Geoff
E-mail:
Date posted: January 23, 2011 - 08:30 pm
Message: Brett is gruntled. He's VERY gruntled.
I know him.

Name: Geoff
E-mail:
Date posted: January 23, 2011 - 08:28 pm
Message: OMG - I have twatdar too. And mine went off while I was reading this. I love your brain.

Name: Ann
E-mail:
Date posted: December 27, 2010 - 12:46 pm
Message: I have no problem with you bustin shit on everyone but please do your research 1st. Yes Eminem has sold his soul to industries but that song you excerpted is an old song. From back when he just got into the music industry, before he was a skinny white boy trying to act black stuck on coke and going hard on crack. So a forenote due your research before your ass gets sued because the ammendment that protects you freedom of speech and the freedom of choice have already been highly overused.

Name: J
E-mail:
Date posted: October 17, 2010 - 12:47 am
Message: You're a pathetic waste of life...who would spend their time making this but someone who is pissed that they don't have any friends. You don't have any friends and sorry that you're bitter about not having any money like these people do, but all the money in the world couldn't help you get any friends...you're a douchebag

Name: J
E-mail:
Date posted: October 07, 2010 - 09:52 am
Message: Your examples of American Rock, 3 British bands and Nirvana? wtf

Name: Me!!!
E-mail:
Date posted: September 29, 2010 - 06:48 pm
Message: Why do all your writings sound like they were written by a bitter, disgruntled asshole?

Name: malone
E-mail:
Date posted: September 28, 2010 - 08:37 am
Message: i'm glad i didn't die in that fuc'n zoot suit i was wearing in the 70's, the combination of disco and cocaine kept me down to a trim 170lbs......classic rock rules(no parody please!) i like the chuck wagon gang(gospel commodities must be up, they haven't missed a meal) and satan's cunt(i have met a few of those at church) have awonderful, i mean aweful, day! c.

Name: Whatever
E-mail:
Date posted: September 17, 2010 - 11:35 pm
Message: Eminem made the song "If I had" in 1996, when he was NOT famous, and NOT dirty fucking rich.
He blew up big in the music industry in in mid 1999...

Name: Rap Blood
E-mail:
Date posted: September 12, 2010 - 07:31 pm
Message: Who the fuck are you?? I hope you die motherfucker

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